IN REMEMBERANCE

I have struggled, and I continue struggling, to find the right words to convey all I need and want to say about my beloved brother, best friend and mentor, Terry Kane. I started and stopped writing more times than I can count, trying to compose the best descriptive words paired with emotion and speckled with humor. I wanted to tell a beautifully crafted story, a cohesive summary, with the right flow deserving of the man I admired and loved. I have failed every time.
 
Since we are not gathering in person to celebrate Terry, I hope this eulogy will bring you along into his life and help you know Terry in a way that you may not have before. He was truly exceptional. 
 
There is a point where my feelings go beyond the words, and I am not eloquent enough to do him justice. I decided to just write everything I want to share with you in no particular order, just from the heart.
 

• Terry was born second in a family of six children. He was the only boy. I’m the youngest girl. When my Dad called from the hospital to let the family know I was born a girl, legend has it, Terry suggested to our great aunt watching over everyone to just “leave her at the hospital, we have plenty of girls at home”. Who could blame him? He knew I was probably his last hope for a brother. 

  

• Terry loved sports as a child and excelled in baseball and as an adult, in golf. He also ran track, learned to box, and played some basketball. He loved to watch many sports live or on TV. He became a "super" fan in college (and beyond) of the University of Illinois football, baseball and basketball teams. He attended many games while he was a student on campus and as an adult tailgating before and after the games. He thoroughly enjoyed the energy at sporting events. He also became a devoted fan of the St. Louis Blues hockey team after he moved to the St.Louis area in 2016. Terry's final sports thrills revolved around attending St. Louis Blues games and celebrating their victories.  

 

• He loved roller coasters…obsessed is probably a more accurate word! He loved the intense thrill of a fast and terrifying ride. He thought the more times he would ride them he would successfully conquer whatever fear he had of them. When he lived in Las Vegas, there was a huge one there which he rode multiple times a day as an adult. He would call me to tell me about it with great exhilaration in his voice. He loved the lifelong challenge!

 

• Music was Terry’s passion. Once you got to know him, you knew just how much. His tastes were eclectic throughout most of his life but after he moved to Portland OR in 1983, he was introduced to smooth jazz. Tom Grant, a local jazz/jazz fusion pianist, songwriter, and later, a dear friend of Terry’s, composed his all-time favorite tunes. Tom had a band and played in a local club on the weekends. Terry spent every Friday and Saturday night there and became part of a faithful following that was more like a family of friends. Those were some of Terry's happiest times in life. 

 

• Terry carried on a Kane family tradition of sitting at the table after dinner listening to music and enjoying a favorite beverage while sharing in good conversation. His favorite music was highlighted during those conversations. He left us quite a library of his favorites. When I play his music, it brings him back to me. I am so grateful to have it.

 

• Terry loved dogs. He and I shared that love. Growing up, we had two German Shepherds, and Terry was responsible for bringing both into our home. Terry befriended the first one, Suzie, as a child in our neighborhood. She eventually spent most of her time at our house, not wanting to leave Terry, and ultimately stayed permanently. She became his faithful buddy. Terry was in college when she died. He knew the hole she left in my life. Shortly after, Terry was house-sitting for a friend with a pregnant German Shepherd. He promised to bring home a puppy when he could. He kept his word and brought home Dutchess. I was in sixth grade and over the moon! 

 

• One of the fondest memories in my life was walking Dutchess with Terry very late on a Christmas night after a beautiful sparkling snowfall. It seemed magical. Everyone had gone to bed and it was quiet and still. I had never been up so late. We walked under the bright post-snowfall sky while Dutchess ran joyously with no leash. I had a hard time keeping up with Terry and her in the deep snow, and he took my hand to help me walk through it. We walked together, just taking in the beauty. Looking back on that night, later in life, I think that was the beginning of a special bond between Terry and me. I looked up to him for so many reasons, and he always took the time to give me insightful words. He taught me about what was coming my way in life as I grew up and how to handle it. I had no idea at that time he would later become my mentor and best friend during my adult years. I didn’t realize that the 11-year age difference between us would melt away and leave us years ahead to make countless wonderful memories together.

 

• Terry could sing!!!! I went to visit Terry in Chicago right before my senior year in college. He was living downtown and I had never been to the big city as an adult. Terry knew how green I was. He and his friend decided they would take me on what he called "the nickel and dime tour of Chicago.'' He proceeded to take me to several nightclubs of various types. Needless to say, my head was spinning. It was quite an education!!! We ended the night in a small hole-in-the-wall piano bar with a cult following. Terry was a regular and everyone in the place knew him. Right before closing, Terry took the microphone and belted out "My Kind of Town.'' I looked on in sheer amazement. He was great! He had the place in the palm of his hand. It was a night I will never forget. Terry and I spent many nights out having fun together, maybe too much fun? I had more hangovers with him than anyone in my life.

   
 

• Terry was full of wisdom from the life he lived. I am certain there are a lot of things I never knew about his vast experiences but we shared so much with each other over the years. We went deep. I knew when to stop with too many questions as he did. We both respected that. There was always a bit of mystery about him. 

 

• He was a fantastic storyteller and had an incredible memory. He vividly remembered names, dates, places, the weather and other incredible details most would forget when he spoke. He knew hundreds of phone numbers. He loved to tell jokes, those he had heard or made up himself. He was great with math and finance, and his biggest talent, I think, was writing. He wrote and published two books. 

 

• I looked to him for sage advice and he never let me down. He was always willing to help me out the best he could. In my second semester of senior year in college, I was taking 22 hours to graduate in four years, after a major change in my junior year. I was really struggling before my upcoming finals when I received a letter from Terry. In it, he told me all I had to do was pass, not excel in every class. There were additional words of wisdom he gave me in that letter but he closed with these, "LIFE IS AN OPEN BOOK TEST. You can look up things in life after you graduate!" I appreciated his concern for me and my sanity. I passed all my classes and graduated on time. I credit him for giving me the encouragement to make it over the finish line.

 

• Terry invited me to stay with him the summer after I finished college while I looked for a job. At this point in his life, he had just moved to St. Louis from Chicago for a change of pace. He had excelled in his current sales position and bigger opportunities for growth were on the horizon. He thought I should get a job in sales as well for various reasons, so I began my search. I spent hours doing mock interviews with him that summer. I took notes, and he gave me many good pointers and helped me refine my answers. I realized then how skilled he was at his craft. His communication and interpersonal skills had become exceptional. I watched closely how he conducted himself in everyday life. He was thoughtful, respectful and made a point to always thank people for great service or help. He always addressed others by name in person and over the phone. I watched him handle conflict and resolution in a calm and measured way. He was now my mentor. I realized then and for the rest of my life that he had really cared to help me be successful, regardless of the endeavor. 

 

• He used to joke when we would go out for happy hour that neither one of us had a chance to meet anyone of the opposite sex because we were together. Being his younger sister he thought that I should wear a name tag indicating we were brother and sister. I think he kinda meant it and hoped I would! 

 

• Terry got a new job at the end of that summer with a large corporation in the medical field and moved to Portland, Oregon. He referred me for a job in his new company and within three months, I was working for the same division in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Our new jobs changed the trajectory of our careers. I had the unique opportunity to see my brother outside the dynamic of our family in a professional setting. We attended a huge national sales meeting together with hundreds of people. I was in awe of how many knew Terry after only six months on the job! I was known at that meeting as "Terry Kane's sister, Noreen." I was proud of that identifier. I saw how effortlessly he met new people and noticed an energy about him I had never seen before. He stood out among the masses. He had found his stride and was very successful in his position. We spent a lot of time together on weekends (I would mostly fly to see him) and during vacation breaks traveling up and down the West Coast when he lived in Portland and later, San Francisco. During my visits, I met many of Terry's new lifelong friends and he took me to his favorite spots. Those were some of the happiest days of his life. I was so lucky to share in some of them. We became the best of friends.

 

• Terry's last sales job and mine brought us full circle. He was working in central Illinois in a larger role than any previous position, and I was a specialist for a product line he carried. Terry had referred me for that job (he was always looking out for me). He had made quite an impression on the president and the upper management of my new company. I spent time in each of my interviews hearing about how impressive Terry was and all the new business he had generated on his own in his current sales territory. Terry and I traveled together around central Illinois and made joint sales calls in numerous hospitals. I had a front-row seat to see him in the element where he excelled. I, in turn, showed him the skills he had taught me through the years. He was the secret to my success. Terry was a super salesman, a top performer, and won awards for his sales acumen. Most impressive of all, to me, was Terry's genuine care and concern for his customers and all the people that crossed his path. He did not have a phony bone in his body. He knew everyone from hospital administrators to the housekeeping staff. He saw everyone and people could feel his sincere interest in them. I was so lucky to work with him, silently observing him doing what he did with such ease and skill. 

 

• When Terry had to give up the job he loved, he was dealing with a genetic health issue that had gone undiagnosed all of his life despite his unrelenting quest to find out what was making him sick. When he finally knew the issue and received treatment, his body had suffered in ways that could not be reversed. He finally had the answers to his lifelong health challenges and the endless pursuits he made to solve the mystery. He was worn out and very sick. He spent several years working to regain his stamina and his quality of life did improve. He fought like hell to get better. I watched him go through these challenging years and saw the depths of the pain it caused him. He was forever changed from all those years trying to get well. He had an even deeper appreciation for the kindness others showed him and their loyal support. It meant everything to him and he never forgot it. He began to have happy and healthy years again in the mid-1990s. 

 

• Terry bought our family home in Springfield, Illinois after our parents passed away in 2003. He was home again and had many good years living there. He had some dear friends in town from grade school and high school and made more. During that time he became a “super” fan of the University of Illinois and Benedictine baseball teams.

 

• Terry moved from Springfield to St. Louis in 2016. He wanted to move closer to all of his sisters (the five of us had ended up here over the years). We were delighted to have him close by. He reconnected with a dear old friend from high school, made new friends and became a St. Louis Cardinal and a St. Louis Blues “super” fan. Terry ate out for every meal and soon was a regular at various restaurants in the St. Louis “Hill” neighborhood and other localities. He quickly got to know the area again after briefly living here in 1983. I saw him more often than I had when he was living in Springfield. We talked frequently. I wish now that it had been so many more times. I thought there would be plenty of days ahead of us with new memories to make, more long conversations around the table, and more late-night calls with a joke he had heard or made up.

 
When the pandemic hit us and the shutdown began in 2020 Terry had not been feeling well for a while. Terry was immunocompromised, and the isolation and uncertainty of the virus were all-consuming for him. Life as he knew it, eating out three times a day, getting out and about, was over. Although many reached out to him daily and gave him support and hope that he would not become infected and die from the virus, I believe, Terry knew his life was never going to be the same. There would always be the threat that the virus could infect him out in public. That fear was overwhelming for him. He said in a letter he left us that he was "slowly dying for months.” He may have had a medical issue that he never shared with any of us, we will never know for sure. What we do know is that Terry could not carry the weight of his pain and worry any longer. 
 
In his final letter, Terry wanted all of his friends and family to know how much he loved them. He asked for our prayers. He said he was sorry. I know you all have sent him your love and prayers since he left us. Thank you all for loving him as I did.
 
 
Terry's tragic death shattered me. I am still working through it. They say the length of one’s grief reflects the depth of your love for the one that is gone. I will grieve for the rest of my life. I loved him more than I can ever express. I will always wish I could have done something to change how the story of his life ended. Although we did not gather together to celebrate his life, I know that we still can, each of us, as time goes by. 
 
Celebrate his memory by telling jokes, listening to his or your favorite music, and reminiscing. Think of him when you have a great time with your friends and family. Remember him when you have a favorite meal and the perfect glass of wine. Remember him in his life, not in his death. Remember how he made you feel when you were with him. 
 
Rest in everlasting peace my dear brother, you will never be forgotten.

Until we meet again, “in my head I’ll always hold your song and I’ll keep a good thought for you.”